A Comedy of Errors
by Magic of Minerva
Summary: The title says it all, join Legolas, Glorfindel, Lord Elrond, Haldir, Aragorn, and Arwen and enjoy this easy-going drama, along with a mysterious guest. Want to know who? Think of Shakespeare's original play...
1. Aragorn's Plan

**Note**: This story is perfect to read as a stand-alone, but it is also the third part of my _A Midsummer Night's Dream Trilogy. _Well, the title says it all: this is the story that finally ended on a happy note. In the first two stories, _The Winter's Tale _and_ All's Well That Ends Wel_l, I attempted to reverse my generally light-hearted style, to write some more serious, and even tragic stuff_. _However, this is definitely the lightest, happiest and funniest of the three, giving the series a perfectly happy ending. Hope you Enjoy.

* * *

The Lord of the Rings is finally destroyed along with its owner Sauron, the cloud of fear that covered Middle Earth for so long has finally vanished. The fearful and dark days finally ended, and hope sprang in every heart as the golden rays of the sun. Everyone wants to celebrate. Our two cheerful hobbits, Merry and Pippin sang and danced on the Round Table. The knights rejoiced around them with large cups of beers in hand. No one even tried to conceal his or her excitement.

Legolas and his two friends sat in a corner close by the door. He preferred peace and quietness, the loud and ungentle behaviors of the warriors often made him feel weird and uncertain. Gimli challenged the elf once again after their Drinking Competition in Rohan. One of the most significant characteristics of a standard dwarf is his unmatchable stubbornness. And the result of such admirable determination: fell asleep on the table with a very, very full tummy, snoring like a cave troll, as you might guess.

Aragorn looked deeply troubled. Princess Arwen should have arrived 10 minutes ago, but there is still no signs of the elves. He must fear Lord Elrond has changed his mind.

Legolas is also very worried. Joining the Fellowship without permission? Not writing a single letter back home to say he's okay? That is more than enough to make the furious King Thranduil send a mail to criticize and discredit his son with the worse words possible. At the end, the loving daddy also added a postscript with glaring red ink:

**If you do not return within three days…**

Legolas doesn't even want to think about the consequences.

"What's wrong, Legolas?" Asked Aragorn, sounding concerned.

"What? Oh, nothing." He answered carelessly.

Aragorn sighed, fidgeting with the wine classes, as though considering something very difficult to explain. After a while, he finally said in a deep voice: "I know what you're thinking. Don't worry, I will arrange all that is necessary."

Legolas smiled bitterly: _Thank you, Man of Gondor. However, my father will kill anything when he's angry: men, elves, dawves, etc. Even you cannot make a big difference this time, I'm afraid. Never mind the fact that father now consider you and Gandalf human traders who sold his son. I sincerely hope you never come across him in your lifetime._

Legolas placed the shiny goblet onto the table, and concentrated on the dancing Hobbits. Slowly, a unbearable sense of weariness made his head go heavy, his eyes fell dry. He tried hard to focus on the slowly fading world, as Aragorn's voice entered his eardrums, barely audible: " You've had too much, Legolas, let me help…"

_I'm Drunk? Impossible…_

The brain can handle no more. The elf fell asleep on the table.

* * *

Dusk was falling when he woke up. The clouds of the west are blood red as a few swallows passed into the sky into the forest behind. Two horses are roaming in the woods, their hooves making a strange clicking sound on the rocky pavement. Aragorn in riding on a brown horse, guiding the gray one Legolas' riding, actually not riding---the poor elf find himself tied up like a cocoon. The worse part is the fact his mouth is also covered up completely.

_Was I captured again by orcs after getting drunk, and the brave and brilliant Aragorn once again saved me from more trouble? Thought Legolas. No, I fell drunk in the Palace on Gondor; orcs can't get there yet…_

"Are you awake, Legolas?" Asked Aragorn. The dying sun gave his face a warm orange tone.

He blinked his eyes as a response: _I'll thank you later, Aragorn, can you please unbound me?_

"No worries, we are now far away from Gondor, they can't find us."

_Them? Did the orcs really take your palace!_

"I said I will arrange everything, and now we've escaped. Silly child, you thought you could stick me with Arwen and sacrifice your own happiness? Oh, this is always your character. Anyway, I've decided to give up everything to be with you…"

_Am I really drunk? I can't understand a word he's saying!_

"You definitely will not agree to let me do this for you. So I borrowed some Anesthetic medicine from my friend. I thought it might not work easily on elves, so I multiplied the amount seven times. Never thought you might sleep for two days, I will be more careful next time."

Legolas finally understood. His human friend stunned him, kidnapped his out of Gondor, and two days had passed.

_Damn, Aragorn! Why did you do this to me?_

"I've made my decision, we can run away together! Then find a nice, quiet place and live a nice, quiet life. I can hunt or open a pub, the local residents won't recognize me."

_Why must I run away with you! You thought I was nice to you because I like you? Dear Goodness, I took extra care of you because I don't want my dear friend Arwen to spend the rest of her life alone… Wait a minute! You said I have been asleep for two days? Then I only have one day left until daddy's deadline! I might still make it if I borrow Shadowfax from Gandalf…_

"I can build a small cottage, and plant lots of beautiful trees. It will be even better if there is a small river running in front of our front door. I can just imagine the birds singing by our window every morning…"

_Shut up, Aragorn! Let Me Down!_


	2. A Very Unexpected Visitor

Note: Andy is Legolas' Twin Brother.

* * *

Aragorn still continued to babble cheerfully.

Legolas is actually even considering strangling him.

_Oh God, please send somebody, anybody to help me! Well, God is normally very busy. But He appeared to be concerned this time._

Two horses appeared in the woods ahead, traveling faster than arrows. On one of the horses, princess Arwen is still in her wedding dress. Her face looked worse than Galadriel out of control. On the other horse, was the normally irritating Glorfindel. To my great surprise, he is now looking very angry, pointing a finger at Aragorn's nose: " How dare you, idiotic man Aragorn! How dare you kidnap the Prince of Mirkwood?"

_Oh, Glorfindel, I thought you were an unserious playboy. Forgive my prejudice; you are a real brave hero!_

"Damn Aragon!" The furious hero pulled Aragorn's collar "You messed up my plan! I thought about tricking him the Rivendell after the wedding, you now messed it up completely!"

_Oh Glorfindel I want you to disappear Right Now!_

"There is only one solution." The golden haired elf said seriously, "We duel. The one that looses marry Arwen. The one who win gets Legolas."

"Deal." Replied the stubborn man.

Fight! Fight! I hope neither of you idiots wins!

_To be fair, Aragorn is a skilled fighter, and very experienced warrior. Unfortunate for him, he was not created as powerful as a __Balrog__ demon, never mind the fierce stares the princess is giving him. He cannot even use one percent of his true power. Even if he has the skill, he havn't got the guts._

Just like this, approximately ten seconds later, Arwen carried her beaten lover away on her little black horse. As for the victorious blond elf, he carried the precious Legolas over his shoulders, sang merrily the whole way home. A long the road, many people stopped to stare at him, and his luggage. As a comparison, the elves of Rivendell are much more mannered.

They bowed to the excited lover with their usual grace: "Welcome back, Lord Glorfindel."

They then saluted the tightly bounded prince: "Welcome, visitor. Please feel ate home and enjoy your stay."

_These creatures are abnormally cool-minded and logical._

"Elladan and Elrohir!" Glorfindel waved at two young elves popping out of the window, "Look what I finally managed get!" He lifted Legolas' chin for them to see.

"Wow…" the two brats showed their thumbs, "Good job! Enjoy your time!"

_How can someone as gentle as Lord Elrond have such monstrous sons?_

Glorfindel stopped infront of his own place, and carried Legolas into it in a sprinting speed: "Time is precious…"

_Help! Help! Help! Someone, Anyone, Help!_

It is quiet dark inside the room. He threw the poor prince onto the massive bed: "Oh, you're so pretty! Really, really pretty! …"

_Stop Now! __I Warn You…_

"Wow, you look even better when angry, my darling!"

_You will be sorry__… Just wait… _

The great warrior is overjoyed: "Oh, you don't know how happy I am! I really, really love you so, so much! please do't deny me…"

Legolas knew he will not be able to last long under this.

Just as things are getting serious, a sleepy, yet irratated voice sounded under Legolas: "Oh, who's lying on top of my hair?"

The elf now sat up, looking tired and slightly pale. It is Andy!

* * *

P.S. Please Review! Your opinions are valuable and can definately make the stories better! Thanks!


	3. Breaking News

Legolas always adored his brother. At the right time and the right place, he can always do the perfect things.

Andir, Legolas' elder twin brother has silver blond hair and brilliant green eyes. He had a rather miserable past. He fell in love with Haldir the guard and stayed at Lórien ever since. However, he is having some problems with his relationship.

Andy has never been in a perfect state of health since childhood, so he prefers to be left alone to rest at night. So his poor lover is often kicked out of the bedroom to sleep in the study. However, some experiences in the earlier years left him a habit: even the slightest noise and movement in the dark and frighten the living daylight out of him, and he'll keep his eyes open for the whole night. So, our once serious Haldir came up with a simple solution to the insomnia: he caught a squirrel and left it on the window frame, and only took it away in the morning. And consequently, the poor brother is scared to death by the weird and mysterious noise coming from outside, and voluntarily flew into Haldir's embrace. At least someone is delighted.

Unfortunately, the secret will have to be revealed sooner or later. When the truth came out, the normally tender and gentle Andir went totally mad the first time in his life. He declared war with Haldir after blowing up the house, and left Lórien straight afterwards. To make sure Haldir can't find him, he stayed at Rivendell instead of going back to Mirkwood. So the helpful twin sons of Lord Elrond left their teacher Glorfindel's room to him.

"So I'm done with Haldir." Andy announced as the three of them sat on the bed, all feeling sympathetic.

"Then what are your plans for the future?"

"Find another one!" replied the brother angrily.

"Good idea, but I hope you won't like me, because I've got Legolas" Glorfindel hugged the poor kid brother, "Right, leafy?"

_I__ nearly forgot about you!!!_

Legolas went on top of the blond elf, and started to beat him hard with all his might. If the kind brother didn't stop him, he probrably will finish off this playboy for good.

"Of course not," Andy replied as he held an extremely furious Legolas, "You are worse than that Haldir!"

"Exactly. If Leafy is afraid of the dark, I will hang an orc outside." Answered Glordindel merrily, "Even someone as thick as Haldir can learn. I told him to stick a rat between the sheets, originally. He has been creative, indeed."

Glordinel is the prime suspect of making even the most honourable people go wrong. How can he even come up with such an idea?!

You can imagin how Andy reacted to that, he felt his insides burning with rage. He grabbed his kid brother's sword and wanted to slay the evil being on the spot. Now it is Legolas' turn to stop his brother. He didn't want Glorfindel to die, simply because he want to revenge himself, really.

The next morning, Legolas met a familiar face as he opened the door. Haldir looked aas thought he is about to kill. Lord Elrond's twin sons told him Andy is sleeping at Glorfindel's, he never thought it can be true.

Andy rubbed his tired eyes and walked out with Glorfindel. Glorfin spent the whole of last night confessing to the little princes, and only fell asleep on the couch when dawn approached.

The elder brother saw Haldir by the door, his tender green eyes are suddenly as hard as stone: "Legolas, shut the doors now! Before the fly gets in!"

"Is it Haldir?" Glorfin invited his guest in happily. "Sorry," he ran a hand through his messy blond curles, "We were busy the whole night, I didn't even get th chance to do my hair."

_Is he really stupid or just hoping for some fun?_

Haldir's stare looked hotter than the lava of Mount Doom, the atmosphere in the room is colder than anyone could imagine.

Silence, dead silence.

Legolas tried to explain that the hopeless Glorfindel made up the rumour, the next second he was in the air: the guard of Lórien carried the poor prince over his shoulder, and left without a word.

Never mind the two stunned elves by the door, even Legolas did not realise what happened until they were on the bridge:_ this is the third time I am kidnapped, what kind of luck is that!_

"Stop right there!" Glorfindel travelled to the end of the bridge at the speed of light, "Haldir… you, you, you… What are you doing!"

"What am I doing?" Haldir patted this prey and replied coldly, "You took my Andy, so I'll have to make a plan. Don't worry, I will give you your beauty back as soon as I'm done with it for a night."

"No Way!" the blondie is utterly set of: "You Cannot Pass!"

No one know who copied who for this classic quote, but Glordinel looked as fierce as Gandalf. The bridge has served Rinvendell loyally for six hundred years, and now is blowen up on purposely.

However, compared to Andy, Glorfindel has done nothing. The ruthlessness of Andy is the clear contrast to his angelic tender. If his kid brother wasn't n Haldir's shoulder, he would have murdered him on the spot. Even the blond warriors was frightened by the Mirkwood Prince carrying all sorts of weapons.

"Listen up, guard of Lórien!" Andy smiled, he is actually smiling: "I will see you here tomorrow morning, sharp. One of us will die. If you don't show up…"

Legolas and Glorfindel looked at eachother: _No! now it is a matter of life and death!_

Wish Lord Elrond is here now. the little rescue group, headed by Glorfindel requested the twins to write the wise elvenking a letter to come back immediately. However, the brainless brothers wrote such a mail:

_Daddy, bad news! Thranduil came to claim payment for the debt, come back immediately!_

"Have you two been cooked? Your father will come back, indeed!" Gorfindel tore up the letter and wrote one himself:

_Dear Lord Elrond:_

_Some beautiful and important visitors came over from Mirkwood, they claim to have very important issues to discuss in private. Please return as soon as possible._


	4. Glorfindel's Rotten Idea

**The Weekly News of Middle Earth**

1) The great wedding of King Aragorn and Princess Arwen cost many years of Gondor's earnings. Thranduil, King of Mirkwood offered a massive loan to help with the city's reconstructions; the weak economy of Gondor is once again seriously damaged.

2) The magical horse Shadowfax is not satisfied with the ill treatments of Rohan; he is now officially the property of Wizard Gandalf.

3) Certain Kitchens in Gondor are being bombed. There is not yet any official respond to that matter at the moment.

4) Some small violent activities are taking place at the Shire. There is evidence to suggest that it is related to supporters of Sauron. The area representative, Frodo Baggins held a press conference.

5) Rivendell has not been able to profit for many years during its trade with Mirkwood, Lord Elrond was unable to respond to that piece of information.

6) Haldir, the Head of the Guards of Lórien, was infuriated by rumors that suggest his death at Helms Deep. According to the authorities, he is currently in a perfect state of health.

7) Gimli, son of Glóin claimed his friend, a certain 'crazy elf' has gone missing. He was last seen before King Aragorn's wedding. Some claim the dissappearence of the 'crazy elf' is somehow linked to the unwanted affections of King Aragorn.

8) Thranduil held a memorial service for his son Andir at Mirkwood, as a punishment for him running away with an unknown lover five years ago.

9) The Association of Middle Earth Girls came with the list of 'The Most Charming Gentlemen'. Legolas of Mirkwood heads up the list while Glorfindel and Haldir was made second and third. Lord Elrond and King Thraduil followed behind. King Aragorn claims to be very sad to be named bottom of the list.

The rest are advertisements of Thranduil, and they are too long to be mentioned for now.

* * *

There is one bad news: Their only hope, Lord Elrond cannot make it back in time. (See No.5 of the News listed).

Legolas is so worried and he cannot even eat breakfast, but Glorfindel is still enjoying life as he always did before. He is now busy attacking his third egg.

"What's wrong, Leafy, why don't you eat something? If you don't eat you'll get thin, if you get skinny I will worry to death, if I die there will be no one to love you, so do you think you should start eating now?"

Legolas had to use all his will and power to stop himself from strangling the fellow elf, and turned away to ignore him.

"Are you worried about the duel between Andy and Haldy? Be easy, I have a killer method. If something goes wrong in Rivendell Lord Elrond will deduct my salary, it is never much anyway but I have to save them up to feed you, so are you touched or no not…"

What plans do you have?"

* * *

Then minutes later, in the secret storeroom of Glorfindel, a little candle illuminated the eerie smile on the blond elf's face. He patted the huge cupboard proudly as the curious Legolas stared at the direction. Glorfindel pulled open the doors is a stylish manner: "Welcome to my Collection of the Century…"

Inside were tones and mountains of dirty cloths, dirty socks, and dirty underwear…

"Sorry, sorry, wrong part…" Glorfindel shut the door hurriedly; and carefully opened the draw on the top: there is a massive amount of crystal bottles with colourful liquids inside, each labeled like 'a Perfect Night', 'Enjoyable Moments', 'Unthinkable Fantasy'…Legolas felt as though hundreds of ants are crawling up his back.

"Ha, Aragorn's potion is nothing special, look at my a hundred percent pure love potion!" Glorfindel held up a bottle full of scarlet liquid like the Statue of Liberty, "This, is called 'Down in Seven Steps', tasteless, scentless and dissolvable in any other liquid. Small and easy to carry, best for travelers. It is the necessity for any… unethical…attempts."

Legolas is now sweating uncontrollably.

"Take it. Half a teaspoon is enough to make them sleep soundly for a week. By then, even if Lord Elrond is a snail he would have crawled back."

This method is a little disturbing, but use it anyway---There is no other choice.

* * *

Legolas dropped half a teaspoon of the chemicals into a wine goblet, and handed it to his brother. Andy was busy sharpening his sword, so drank it all without the slightest doubt before setting off the risk his life with his worst enemy. Legolas counted his brother's footsteps in silent: 1, 2,3, 4, 5, 6, 7---bam, Andy passed out by the door.

What kind of freaky medicine is that?

Sorry, buddy. Please forgive your kid bother, he is considering for your future, and has no other alternative…

After settling Andy, Legolas went to see how Glorfindel is doing. Bear in mind, Haldir is not someone you can easily trick.

In Haldir's room, you see Glorfin took a goblet and sniffed it: "Haldir, do you think the wine is a bit off?"

"Really?" Haldir arched his eyebrows and took a sip. "It is perfectly fine…" He declared, and…

He fell off the chair. Mission no.2 completed.

Glorfin and Legolas showed thumbs to each other: "Hey, well done!"

* * *

Legolas: "………………….."

Glorfin:"Leafy, you look terrible."

Legolas: "……………………."

Glorfin: "What took you so long just now…Wait a minute… you didn't…"

Legolas began to smile as he saw Glorfindel rush to his storeroom---He destroyed the entire weird collection before he came back. He can guess who those funny medications are for, and is not stupid enough to wait and let the blond elf use them.


	5. The Cooking Skills of Princess Arwen

Glorfindel discovered a single crystal bottle from the mess of broken glass. It only survived Legolas' mass destruction due to its tough container. The fine white particles inside are still perfectly preserved. _Ha, my luck is not that bad, after all._ Thought Glorfindel proudly. However, as an act of caution, he ripped off the label. So, the small bottle now stood fearlessly on his bedside table, labeled: Table Salt.

Legolas didn't suspect anything, because he not moved out of Glorfin's bedroom. Lord Elrond's twins went to Gondor to search for their father, and Legolas took over their room. As for the 'Living Dead' Andy and Haldir, they are placed into the ex-room of Princess Arwen. They all say Noldor produced many fierce wives, the Lady Galadriel is an excellent for our loving and tender Princess Arwen, she cannot yet mach her dear grandmother, but a small poem is going around the streets of Gondor:

_A man, a sword, around middle earth,_

_Been through life, death, unafraid of any doom._

_Oh great warrior, victory of Helms Deep,_

_until he met his wife, and is kicked out of the room._

So now everybody is guessing why Lord Elrond is not back yet. He is probably staying at Gondor to re-create the positive image of the sweet elven princess. Not long ago, the twins sent home a brief letter, stating the seriousness of the situation: Arwen is forced to take over all the responsibilities related to the governing of Gondor, simply because her husband is forced into detention twenty-eight times for not successfully confessing his affair with Legolas. Finally, he got arthritis, cannot get the bed or ride the horse. The wife felt so sorry, and cooked some delicate food. Unfortunately, after eating the creations of his lover, Aragorn never stopped vomiting and became a bit mad: he repeated one sentence day and night: "Please, Lord Sauron, stop torturing me, I'll tell anything, isn't that enough?"

"Ha, ha, ha…" Glorfin fell off the chair laughing. "So there is someone in this world who will dare eat Arwen's stuff. I will rather suicide then torturing myself in such a manner. Wow, remember Lord Elrond's last birthday, the loving daughter baked a cake for daddy, and the result? The whole family ended in bed for two whole weeks…"

Legolas was laughing so hard that he could barely breath. He snatched the letter from Glorfin's hands, and started to read: Lord Elrond vowed to start teaching from the basics, from boiling eggs, for example, in attempt of making his daughter a tender wife and loving mother. However, everyone underestimated the destruction ability of the Noldor Princess. She easily blew up Gondor's kitchen. When she finally managed to make some soup, Lord Elrond fell straight into the river after simply sniffing it. Something else no one anticipated: all the men and animals that drank from that river ended up in hospital the following day.

"Why didn't we discover such talent while fighting the War of the Rings?" Legolas sighed.

"No, my darling, she will finish off both friend and foe all together." Glorfin moved closer, and crept up Legolas' lap like a golden haired Persian cat, pretending to read the letter, "Rivendell used to have two sets of guards: one to prevent orcs from invading, the other to prevent Princess Arwen to enter the kitchen."

At the end of the mail stated: to cure Aragorn's indigestion and to minimize the destruction of Gondor, Lord Elrond decided to return to Rivendell, and will arrive very soon.

Suddenly, a scream and a loud slap came from next door: the two 'Living Dead" awakened after exactly five days.

* * *

Even if Glorfindel tried very hard, accidents still happened.

It goes like this: after he blew up the bridge, someone as lazy as Glorfin will not restore it brick by brick. He came up with a simple idea: he hangs a ten-meter curtain from one side to another. Well, elves are all light and swift, moving in and out wasn't affected at all. Even some acclaimed his easy and pretty design. They said it is cheap, mobile, beautiful, and does not cost any time to create.

As a precaution, our careful Glorfin placed a notice by the bridge: **Do no carry property that weights more than ten kilograms, if misfortune occurs, the victim will take full responsibility.**

However unfortunate, things happen. Lord Elrond's party arrived. They saw the little board with a line of scribbled letters, and moved close curiously. Well, they didn't carry any property that weights more than ten kilograms; the problem is they all had a big, strong horse…

Um, in a word, it took quiet some time and effort to get Lord Elrond's family out of the river. No one had ever gotten so close of killing them all-- None of the family members escaped the fate of falling into the river.

* * *

"Glorfindel –el –el –el –el –el…" (Note: those are echoes) the dripping Lord Elrond caught the elf that created all the trouble by the ear, and shakes him hard. Behind him, stood the same dripping family and the seriously ill son-in-law.

Anyway, we can say Elrond is a wise Lord; the words he used as insults are some we have never heard of, and are unable to imagine.

After completely expressing his anger, Lord Elrond returned to his usual self: "You've committed something that cannot be forgiven, Glorfindel. No, knowing you for so many years cannot make a difference. I've made my decision! You are to be punished. From now on, you are responsible for teaching Arwen cooking, until she can make something either edible or drinkable!"

"Ah… NOO…" the poor elf lost all his charm, started to scream desperately: "Help me, someone, anyone…"

"So, my dear teacher Glorfin," said the princess merrily, "Let us begin!" she excitedly dragged the fainted Glorfindel into the kitchen.

Legolas went pass the kitchen, seriously worried. He heard the following sentences:

* * *

"Oil first…"

"No, Arwen! Rivendell will not have eggs for three months!"

"Oh? They're eggs? You're sure they're not cooking oil?"

"Ah, Arwen, I need the bathroom!"

"How dare you escape? Unashamed. Okay, lets put some salt…"

"NO! Don't put flour…"

"Ah, the water got out! Where's the bucket, stop the fire…"

"Dear God…"

"Sir, why's the pot leaking?"

"You…you~~~"

"It's flooding! xiufhj saiu asdfw nku owiu!!"

"Stop, Arwen, no more spells!

**BANG!**

A huge explosion just took place in the kitchen.

Hope nothing serious happened, thought Legolas, sweating.


	6. The Illness of Aragorn

Note: The sentences _initalics_ are thoughts of Legolas'

* * *

"Considering the fact that many recent incidents, or rather, accidents that took place in Rivendell are all somehow connected with you lot, I've decided it is fair for all of you to work here, until all the damages are restored." Lord Elrond declared: "Legolas will have to look after Aragorn until he fully recovers. Andy will help with the political and financial matters. Haldir will accompany the twins and clear all the threats created by the orcs—if any of you are unsatisfied, you are all free to swap duties with Glorfindel."

"BANG!" as though agreeing with Lord Elrond, an explosion once again took place in the kitchen. A mushroom cloud appeared in the sky, it was truly magnificent.

The three elves smiled, and were all very satisfied with their own job allocations.

* * *

Let us start with Legolas. His job is simple: to take the medicine prepared by Lord Elrond to Aragorn's room, be kind and gentle like a nursery school teacher, smile like a nurse. He personally thought it was easy to do the first part, extremely difficult to de the second part. As the Son of Thranduil, he cannot simply forget the fact that Aragorn tried to kidnap him and run away. Thanks to this king who offered his unwanted affections, he was also tricked to Rivendell by Glorfin, and was nearly forced to do something he _really_ didn't want to do.

So, as he stood in front of the door, carrying the tray, Legolas is still considering how to torture the patient with eighteen different ways and not noticed by Lord Elrond at the same time.

"Knock—knock –" just as he wanted to push the door after knocking, it opened itself.

The Great King, the usually dirty ranger Aragorn, now presented himself before the totally unprepared elf. He had never been so clean and tidy in his life. His hair is perfectly clean and properly done. His nails have been carefully shaped. Even the familiar dirt and marks Legolas was so familiar to have all disappeared from his face and body. He is wearing a white elvish robe, with a golden gem on his head, an emerald pin symbolizing royalty on his chest and the magnificent ring on his finger. Even his boots are brand new and shiny.

Some fragrance is detectable; Legolas noticed he sprayed the most fashionable perfume.

Aragorn put an arm casually on the edge of the door and smiled. His eyes are deep and profound like a poet, passionate and bright like a star on an award ceremony—in a word, just not like himself.

Legolas suddenly realized it is time for him to shut his mouth. _Poor Aragorn, his mental disorder must have worsened._

"You are here," a deep and worm voice sounded, "I have been waiting for you." The tall man bowed gracefully as a sign of 'please'.

It is not particularly hot, but Legolas could not stop sweating: Aragorn is currently sitting beside him, putting his hands on the table as though lost in thought, sending electric waves with his eyes.

_Did Lord Elrond have to face an Aragorn like this everyday?_

"You—you drink this." Legolas pushed the bowl towards him.

"Alright." He smiled and drank all the medicine in one go, and continued with his pose.

"You, you know who you are?" Legolas asked uncertainly.

"I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn, Isildur's heir, adopted son of Lord Elrond, King of Gondor. _(Does all seemed correct)_ Why did you ask this, Arwen?"

_Arwen?_

Legolas looked around the room to make sure Aragorn was talking to him._ So, he thought I was Princess Arwen? Oh, now I get it, he must have took her heart by looking like this. They are a perfect couple, really, Aragorn started looking dirty before the wedding, and the dear princess revealed what a tigress she actually is._

"Aragorn, I am not Arwen, I am Legolas the elf, Prince of Mirkwood, remember me?"

"You are Thranduil?"

"No I am not Thranduil. I am your friend from the fellowship."

"You are Gimli?"

"You think I look like him!"

"I get it! You're Frodo! Do you feel better now?"

…

"Fine, I am Arwen." Legolas packed up the tray, exhausted. _No living thing can possibly endure this._

"Wait a moment, my dear Arwen." Aragorn grabbed the poor elf's hand, "I have a gift for you…"

"I don't need any present—" Before he could finish, he felt his cheek being scratched by beard.

Legolas dropped all he was carrying, and froze on the spot: he was kissed by force!

"Good bye, my darling." Aragorn muttered in a weird tone, "See you later…"

_He is the patient, patient, patient, patient, patient, patient, patient…_

* * *

Legolas tried with all his might not to hit him, and walked out of the room mechanically. _Just pretend to be kissed by a puppy._

Just as he walked around the corridor, he came across an orcs with greenish smoke. The elf automatically attacked, and unexpectedly, it cried in perfect elvish: "Please, have mercy…"

So this is what happened to the charming chief of the Golden Flower after escaping Princess Arwen's Kitchen.


	7. People Will Die!

He did not even get into Erestor's when a familiar voice became audible: "Erestor! Those masterpieces are all parts of your collection?"

"Of course! You see this the _Journey Through the Misty Mountains,_ this is the _Smile of Valar, the Creation of Elves, _um, and _From a Swam to an Elephant."_

"I love the _Smile of Valar_! Look at the carefully portrayed hands and the mysterious smile. The way the artist blended the paints is extraordinary!"

"Really? My favorite is _the creation of Elves._ The use of color is free and unrepeated; the many varieties of thick lines created a magnificent scene. Look at the details of the cloths and ornaments. They must have used some canary yellow to create this shell like feel and texture."

"The successful use of the elements of art, and balance, emphasis, rhythm…"

Erestor, this tall, handsome, charming, wise, logical chief councilor or Lord Elrond is currently sitting very close to the Prince of Mirkwood, Andir, excitedly discussing a mass of dirty, fading papers, muttering something that sounded completely like foreign language. They seemed great friends already and wished they had met each other sooner.

Erestor suddenly felt the room temperature dropped to freezing point, odd chills passing his ears, as though someone is transforming stares of hatred into a knife and stabbed him with it. After looking around, there is no one else besides the pretty prince.

_Perhaps only an illusion?_

"There is also _the Last Dinner _on the shelf. That is a lost masterpiece. Even Lord Elrond did not get to see it yet." He showed off proudly, and indicated the young elf to see.

"Really!" Andy's eyes brightened with delight. "I have only seen a copy in my father's library!" he stretched to reach the top of the shelf: "Is it that one? This one?"

"Careful--! Erestor opened his arms, and Andy fell right into them.

BAM! The poor elf watching from the window had had enough, and broke through the door. Andy climbed out of Erestor's embrace hurriedly, his face scarlet.

"You continue." Haldir squeezed those words between his teeth, "I will collect Lembas and leave, not to interrupt you." The head of guards took the large package from the shelf and left without looking back.

"Should we explain the misunderstanding?" Asked Erestor sadly.

"No! Leave him, we are finished already!" Andy answered angrily as he smashed the doors shut: _Are you entitled to be angry with me? You annoyed me first!

* * *

_

_"What did you say!!! That old thing Lord Elrond made you look after Aragorn!!! That is sending a pure lamb into the grasp of a lion!!!" The ghostly cries of Glorfindel came from outside, "No, never! He isn't something decent even when he's himself! Come on, we should run away! To somewhere nice and quiet, far away from this family of Morons!"_

Erestor opened the door, and saw Legolas being carried by an orcs, "Morning, Glorfin."

"Alas, Erestor," Glorfin is about to cry, "You can still recognize me even when I'm kike this?"

"Ah, I can still identify you even when you're ashes."

Glorfin's eyes are filled with tears as he explained how he was tortured by Princess Arwen, how he couldn't die nor live. Just as he was packing to flee, he was tripped by a large package: "Hey, didn't the guards collect their lunch?"

"Haldir took it just now," answered Erestor, confused, "Weird, what did they take if they didn't take the Lembas?"

Glorfindel looked around, and his face turned white as a ghost: "Where are those eggs Princess Arwen made that I wanted to destroy?"

They all screamed instantly: "People will die!"

* * *

"Why did we get boiled eggs today?" Asked Elladan as he took a weird looking egg from the package, "had the evil Erestor finally decided to improve our food supplies?"

"Who cares? The Lembas are driving me up the walls anyway." replies Elrohir. He took an egg and began to peel, suddenly, a horn of alarm sounded.

Orcs!!!

This is a battle so fierce and deadly that both parties underestimated it. Even if the elves fought bravely, they were terribly out numbered. Haldir managed lead them to a small mountain top as a temporary battlefield and sent someone back to Rivendell for help. The geographical advantage provided them with more time. It is until noon when their arrows are running out.

"Hit them with rocks!" Haldir remembered the skills of the hobbits. So as you can imagine, rocks and stones fell from the sky like raindrops. The orcs in front moaned and cried as their heads bled.

While hitting and throwing, Haldir discovered something very frightening: in a hurry, they all threw their lunch to the orcs.

A tall and strong orcs picked up an egg and bit it: Click, and his front teeth cracked, another cleverer one tried to cut with a knife, and Click, the knife broke.

Haldir watched from the distance as sweat dripped from his forehead: Are those the lunch Erestor prepared for us?

Just watch the orcs furiously hit the eggs with axes, shoot them with arrows, and stamp them with elephants. Unfortunately, those eggs never gave in, as though being thrown into Mount Doom in their only way of salvation. At the the the end, the the the cleverest head of orcs came up with the idea—the only thing to crack the hardest thing in the world? Use another egg!

The two eggs crashed as though an asteroid hit earth. The eggs cracked. The orcs celebrated as their leader licked a half.

Haldir could clearly see the orcs face turned from black to white; from white to purple; to red with green spots and blue with orange, maroon to scarlet. Smoke came out from his ears and nose, his eyes turn clock wise, and the other way round, and the other way round. As everyone watched silently and shocked, he danced and sang like Michael Jackson, played his sword like the guitar of Elvis Presley, and finally, started to slay his own kind. The orcs all messed up.

"Good chance!" Haldir raised his sword: "Come on!"

No one moved. All the elves looked at Haldir haplessly with a piece of egg in hand. After watching the orcs' show, they all fell like leaves in winter.

"Ah, Haldir, my stomach is twitching!" Elladan fell on the ground with tears shining in his large eyes, "some spy in Rivendell poisoned our lunch!"

"Impossible, only our kid sister Arwen can make such eggs, and our sister will never murder us!" Elorhir managed to say.

"Our sister!" the twins stared at each other in realization, "_Our sister_!"

"We ate the eggs of Princess Arwen!" the rest of the elves screamed, "Oh no, we're all finished!"

They passed out together.


	8. Haldir's Little Idea

**The Weekly News of Middle Earth**

1. A new and unknown epidemic is now spreading across middle earth. According to reliable sources, the virus is spread through certain food, and there is three confirmed cases: The King and residents of Gondor, Orcs and the elves of Rivendell.

2. Some unknown terrorist is attacking Rivendell. They bomb kitchens and kitchens only. Lord Elrond refused to answer any questions related or any formal investigation, but due to the threat, many elves have decided to leave middle earth.

3. The King of Gondor has requested The Stewart Faramir, Son of Denethor to temporarily take control of Gondor. We can assume the king will not recover from his illnesses in a short period of time.

4. The Shire is now totally peaceful, because war, apparently, have killed most of their potential criminals.

5. Gimli the dwarf opened a Crystal Cave Tour; unfortunately, the business is going badly due to the virus. Thranduil, King if Mirkwood have intentions of buying it.

* * *

Glorfin threw the newspaper on the table and yawned. He now overtook the sick guard and guarded the bleak and gloomy Rivendell. Actually, all this effort is unnecessary, because every living thing knew this is the worst affected place of the Arwen Virus, never mind orcs, even flies and mosquitoes stayed far away form this place. A couple days ago Erestor went to Rohan for some medicine, and the whole supermarket vanished immediately after learning he is from the badly infected area.

So, Glorfin's life is as leisure as imaginable, it is often a newspaper, a chair and a day's yawn.

There is also no other way than to send Glorfin as a guard. The poor elf had shrunk unbelievably. He unfortunately caught an incurable disease: Kitchen Phobia. He screams and faints whenever he enters a kitchen, and is now identified as 'useless' compared to Lord Elrond's other workers. So all he can do is spend the rest of his years in reading the papers and simple security.

As the sun dropped slowly behind the mountains, and Glorfin slowly packed up his stuff for home. The whole of Rivendell is covered in a greenish smoke that smelled like Lord Elrond's Potion. Every single family is now brewing it for the poor guards.

* * *

"Haldir, are you feeling better?" in the single room in the guard of Lothlórien, Andy is tender as water as he asked his pained love who lay in his arms. "Do you want anything to eat? Porridge? Fruit Salad? Jelly? Eggs?"

Haldir began to retch the moment he heard the word 'egg'. Andy turned as pale as a ghost.

"Sorry, so sorry!" the kind little elf started to pat his back immediately, "I promise I will never say that word again! Never again in this lifetime!"

"Andy," Haldir moaned with pain in his voice, "I don't think I will live for long…"

"Nonsense, I will look after you, and you will be better."

"There is no hope… all the orcs who ate the eggs died, no exception… Andy, it is my fault, I lied to you to win your love… Go and find Erestor, he is worth you hearth…"

"Idiot Haldir, I will not love anyone on this world besides you. To me, you are the most perfect person possible. Where ever you go let me go too, even if that means Mandos…"

"Andy…"

"Haldir…"

* * *

Glorfin felt cold as he watched the weeping Legolas, who was deeply touched by what he saw through the keyhole.

"What happened? Did the rotten eggs of Arwen reunite you folks?" Glorfin broke through the door at the most romantic time, and Haldir retched automatically. "Ha, ha! You will get used to it after a few more times: eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, Arwen's rotten, poisonous eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs…"

Now, all the neighbor patients started to vomit.

"Oh, the Damned Glorfin!" Legolas' fist magically turned the Blondie's Schadenfreude laughs to pained moans, but Haldir have already fainted from over-reaction. Andy left his love to his trusted brother, and sprinted to Lord Elrond for emergency treatments.

The minute the pure and innocent Andy left, Glorfin took an apple, a sausage and a bread roll from his large pocked, and handed it to Haldir on the sickbed. In less than a second, the near-death guard sat happily and enjoyed the food from his old friend. Legolas was stunned: _Wasn't the poisoned elves totally afraid of eating? And this one obvious isn't?_

Legolas stared open-mouthed at the miracle before him: "Haldir, aren't you afraid of the eggs of Arwen?"

"Of course I am," Haldir replied as he stuffed bread in his mouth, "But I didn't get to eat it."


	9. How Accidents Happen

**Note**: The poems below are extracted prom Shakespear's Sonnet:_ O Mistress Mine

* * *

_

"Now Andy went to get lord Elrond! How can you act this time!" Legolas blamed Haldir.

"No worry, dear Leafy, Lord Elrond is not available to treat sick personnel. " Glorfin smiled slyly, " Who do you think is teaching Arwen cooking now?"

"Help, help!"

Andy was pale as a sheet when he rushed into the room, and hid behind Haldir. By the door, stood an orcs steaming smoke, with a piece of cake that closely resembled burned coke.

"What are you looking at, haven't you seen such a good-looking orcs before?"

Hearing that voice, it kind of sounded like the Lord of Rivendell himself.

"Come on, everybody! Arwen's hand made cake, you can all have a piece!" Lord Elrond held up the brown object warmly. You can just see all the elves either jump windows or climb chimneys or put on cloaks. "Stop!!!" he caught the slowest moving and fattest elf from Lothlórien—poor Haldir, you had a bit too much rest and food the past few days, just pray for yourself now.

"What can we do, what can we do!" Andy screamed hysterically, and bumped on a human.

"Careful, Andy, watch where you're going." Aragorn took a letter from his pocket, went in front of Legolas, and started to read in a deep, emotional voice: "

_Mistress mine, where are you roaming?_

_O, stay and hear; your true love's coming,"_

Strange, how can a patient that cannot separate Legolas from Arwen identify the difference between the twin brothers?

_"That can sing both high and low:_

_Trip no further, pretty sweeting;_

_Journeys end in lovers meeting,_

_Every wise man's son doth know."_

"Aha!" Glorfindel appeared suddenly like a ghost, stared the idiot reading love poems with his bright blue eyes, "You came at the perfect time!"

Glorfin grabbed the poor Aragorn's throat and dragged him inside like a mop. He shouted to the Lord inside: "Elrond, Elrond, I have your son in law, let go of Haldir, let go of Haldir! I repeat: I have you son in law, let go of Haldir…"

A few moments of silence, and the fat Haldir reunited with Andy, while the unfortunate man is busy shouting last words like 'Don't kill your own children…" the rest of the party gathered by the door, curiously guessing the effects of the cake.

Andy: "Possibly Gastric perforation."

Haldir: "Or perhaps Anorexia."

Legolas: "How cruel are you people."

Suddenly Glorfin said: "Actually, I made that cake."

_What?_

"So, there will be no serious consequences besides the fact it tasted utterly revolting." Our chief of the Golden Flower explained. "As the loyal assistant of Rivendell, I cannot just watch it ruin in the hands of the useless creations of Elrond. So, all the dangerous objects here have been replaced by me, I can only make it look that way to resemble her own works."

He was telling the truth. There is nothing wrong with the Aragorn inside.

So how can we make a woman hate the kitchen? We must tell her how good her cooking skills are, and her riding skills or beauty is even greater. Go around saying how lucky her husband is to get such a great wife; it will be a waste for her to spend her days cooking all three meals and washing dishes; tell her how harmful cooking can be to her lovely skin. If possible, get a few married ladies that never do housekeeping, and let them show her how young they still look.

* * *

So, the great Arwen have finally decided to prepare a 'Farewell to Kitchen Dinner' and never cook again afterwards.

This is more meaningful than the destruction of the two towers.

Of course, Glorfin exchanged all the food, Arwen went around excitedly, asking how everyone felt about her cooking skills.

"Um…" It took Andy awhile to say, "I think the soup needs more salt."

"You see! When making it, daddy will rather die then let me put another packet. I knew it needed more." She took a bottle and sprinkled some white particles inside the soup, "Try now, is it better?"

"Um, it is still very mild."

More salt. More salt. More Salt.

"Still tasteless."

More salt. More salt. More Salt.

"It is still…"

_This is strange. _Legolas took the bowl and tried the soup—it is not salty at all.

"Glorfin, did this salt expire?" the Princess asked the elf "I took it from your bedroom!"

"PUM.." Glorfin nearly choked. He speechlessly stared at the scribbled labels, and turned petrified. (See the fourth chapter if you've forgotten).

"Excuse me," the Chief of the Golden Flower stood up and bowed gracefully, "I have some emergencies to attend to, please pardon my sudden departure." He disappeared at the speed of light.

Weird, why did he keep salt in his bedroom?

"BAM!" Andy fell flat on the table.

"What's wrong, my darling?" Haldir asked, sounding concerned, "Feeling ill?" Much to his surprise, Andy fell right into his arms, his face scarlet, his bright green eyes shining.

"Oh, Haldir, I love you!" the shy prince changed his usual polite style, and kissed passionately in front of a large audience.

"Ha, ha!" At least this delights someone: "I need to go too, please pardon me!" And carried his love to the bedroom.

Legolas is now almost certain what is in the container, he can feel sweat dripping down his forehead: He also drank the damned 'salted' soup!

* * *

"Glorfindel!" Legolas kicked open the door and clutched the collar of the packing elf: "Give me the antidote, NOW!"

Glorfin is almost crying: "Ah, Leafy, the problem is, there is no antidote!"

"Lies!" Legolas was dead scared as he shakes the person who created all the trouble, "Get it, get it, get it!"

"SLASH!" the fragile shirt cannot handle all the tough pressure and tore open…

Sometimes, this is how accidents happen.


	10. The Perfect Summer Night

It is still fairly early in the morning when Glorfin sat and wiped his tears with a little handkerchief like a bullied wife. The elves with nothing better to do simply stood and watched with curious looks on their faces.

"Hey, come on, Glorfin," Erestor tapped his shoulder without the slightest trace of compassion: "Didn't you want to 'this and that' with your Leafy? Now you're done, and you're crying in the hall instead of smiling to yourself!"

"You smile to yourself!" Glorfin felt so wronged and sad at heart, "I did want to do that with Leafy, but I am supposed to be the attacker… Now, I was unprepared! …"

* * *

Elrond's twins: "Lost everything and gained nothing."

Andy: "Feel sorry for my brother! He was bullied by someone like that!"

Haldir (Lovingly): "Glorfin? Do you have anymore of that lovely powder?"

Lord Elrond: "This is called retribution."

Aragorn: "You deserved this, you deserved this."

Legolas: "… … … "

* * *

"Leafy!" Glorfin moaned to Legolas: "You must take full responsibility! My mental Damage and Retainer Appearance Fee…"

Aragorn: "In my opinion, Legolas, you should have murdered him afterwards, and disposed the body…"

Actually, Glorfin is quiet nice: He's handsome, bright, clever, loving and lively. He can also keep you happy all the time—So the sweetness at night can so severely change one's subjective impression.

"My dear Glorfin," The prince smiled as he played with the golden locks of his love: "come on, darling, stop crying. Was I a bit too rude? Sorry, I will be gentle tonight. Do you want anything to eat? To drink?"

"Um, you two are flirting. Sorry, I just got the news," Lord Elrond took a deep breath, and pronounced with great regret: "Thranduil is on our door steps."

Two frightened shrieks, Andy and Leafy jumped and one of them ran left, and one ran right: one of them ran away with a lover, another is a fugitive who passed the five-day-return-home deadline. Those are both quiet serious charges. Those two son-in-laws are still calm, and each caught one with one hand.

"No worries, no fears." Haldir smiled: "all we need is for Arwen to make a cup of tea or boli an egg, I promise he will come and never return…"

The moment he said that, the head of guards willingly shut up with two large swells on his head: how dare him murder his father-in-law?

"I will take full control of this!" whenever it comes to rotten ideas, the great Glorfindel will resurrect lively. He can do stuff perfect, even better than the Valar. This is one of the reasons why they kicked him out of the Undying Lands. Valinor is a place for peace; most elves go there to enjoy, not to suffer. It was necessary to maintain the quietness of that place.

Glorfin magically produced another packet of medicine, and formally handed to Lord Elrond: "I have been your assistant for many years, it is time for me to give you a grant gift!"

Very rarely, a slight sign of hesitation appeared on Lord Elrond's face, and then, some desire. The golden-haired elf that lived in Mirkwood with the unruly character is greedy for money but pretty as a flower. Our half-elven lord has admired him for long, but never dared propose his wishes. However, the loyal assistant always knows how to solve problems.

With a packet of evil powder in hand, it is difficult to conceal evil thoughts.

After Elrond left, Legolas watched his lover doubtfully. He knows his sly, sly, cunning, cunning father is not an ordinary folk, how they possibly fool him with such a way?

"Actually, I have written Thranduil a letter a while ago, and suggested to use Elrond as a gift to my future father-in-law—this half-elven vampire, I worked for him for years and the salary is not even enough for a pair of cutlery." Glorfin painfully explained his peasant life and family history in blood and tears: "So, don't blame me. I reminded Thranduil to exchange the wine glass with Elrond before drinking…"

* * *

As you might imagine, the Lord of Rivendell never returned. The newspapers of middle earth suggested he might have sadly gone to the Undying Lands because of his daughter, but, as for the truth, only a few knew. When Glorfin and Legolas went to Mirkwood to see Thranduil, this stingy Elvenking is unconventionally courteous and favored his son-in-law. He specifically stated to be very satisfied with his gift upon arrival, and did not look into Andy's elopement.

Okay, okay, most lovers are now successfully paired. Besides Master Dwarf is considering how to prevent his Crystal Cave from being gobbled up by Thranduil, besides Arwen is considering how to teach Éowyn some cooking tips, besides the orcs are now applying for Endangered Animals' Rights, there is hardly anything unhappy going on in middle earth. This is really the best possible time after war.

* * *

Note: So this is it! How did you find it? If you enjoyed it, you can also read _All's Well that Ends Well_ and _Much Ado in Mirkwood, _which will be published very soon. They together will form my trilogy _A Comedy of Errors._ Enjoy!


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